Raising Resilient Kids: How to Help Them Bounce Back

In these turbulent times, children need to know how to confidently weather and deal with changes no matter what life hands them, say many psychologists. Studies show that when kids are resilient—having the ability to recover quickly from difficulties—they are less fearful and anxious, more confident and empathetic, and better able to handle cataclysmic events like 9/11.

Resilience can help them deal creatively with everything from cyberbullying to societal change. A Florida Atlantic University study of 1,204 children found that those that agreed with such statements as, “I can deal with whatever comes my way,” “I am not easily discouraged by failure,” and, “Having to cope with stress makes me stronger,” were less likely to be bullied in person or online and better able to cope when it occurred. 

Resilience can be taught and learned at any stage in a child’s life, studies suggest. Some useful strategies include:

1. Let them know they’re loved and supported. One stable, committed relationship with a supportive adult such as a parent, grandparent, aunt, teacher or coach is what a child needs to be resilient, according to research from Harvard’s Center for the Developing Child. This can be particularly important for children raised in less-than-ideal circumstances. “It is absolutely critical for African-American children to learn resilience due to the current climate of hostility and racism, the inherent disadvantages in education and household income they are born into and hostile, crime-infested neighborhoods where they live,” says Damon Nailer, a Monroe, Louisiana, motivational speaker and author of Living, Loving, Leading. For children in all circumstances, he says, it’s important to “teach them that setbacks, failures, losses and adversity help you to learn, grow and become stronger.”

2. Make resilience a household word. When San Diego child psychologist Bruce Thiessen’s daughter Kassidy was 4, he’d pretend to be the wolf in The Three Little Pigs, howling, “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down!”

She would reply, “Go ahead! I’ll rebuild it tougher and stronger!”

It was his way of embedding resilience in her, which he and his wife Roxie have reinforced with books, movies and songs. “Making the theme of resilience dominant in multiple activities will make an enduring, indelible impression on your child,” he says. 

3. Be a good example. “The most important thing to cultivate resilience, mindfulness and any other emotions really, is for parents to practice and model these things themselves,” says Christopher Willard, Ph.D., a Harvard lecturer and author of Raising Resilience: The Wisdom and Science of Happy Families and Thriving Children. Adults need to bounce back from setbacks, whether it’s a social media mistake or a lost job, and find ways to reframe what happened in a positive light. To convey that attitude to a child, ask at dinner or bedtime, “What was the rose in your day? The thorn? What did you learn? What would you do differently next time?” The parent can model responses to these questions by sharing their own rose and thorn.

4. Let them figure things out. “As tempting as it may be to step in every time you see your children struggling, allowing them to figure things out on their own builds resilience,” says Katie Lear, a Davidson, North Carolina, therapist specializing in childhood anxiety. “On the flip side, when a parent hovers or immediately steps in to solve a child’s problem, the child may interpret that behavior as, ‘I don’t trust you to be able to do this without help.’” Asking a child how they plan to solve a problem rather than questioning why the problem happened in the first place is a way to teach them creative problem-solving, advises Lynn Lyons, a Concord, New Hampshire, psychotherapist and co-author of Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents.

5. Teach thankfulness. Feelings of gratitude bolster resilience, studies show. For example, college students that performed gratitude-inducing exercises reported feeling better able to handle academic challenges. “Teach your child to look for the gift within every problem,” advises C.J. Scarlet, author of Heroic Parenting: An Essential Guide to Raising Safe, Savvy, Confident Kids. “That’s often hard to do in the midst of challenges, but just knowing there will be a gift found at some point can help your child to ride out the storm with greater patience and confidence.”

 

Mindfulness—being in the moment without judgment—has been linked to youthful resilience, numerous studies show, perhaps because it allows a child to take a deep, calming breath in the midst of a trying event. “Mindfulness training really does create new brain connections that boost resilience to stress,” says Christopher Willard, a Harvard lecturer and author of Growing Up Mindful. When children learn mindfulness, he says, they “can better self-regulate their emotions, and stress is less likely to overwhelm them and lead to mental health issues like anxiety or depression.” Getting a child started on mindfulness can be as simple as teaching them a breathing exercise.

Chocolate breathing: Imagine you are holding up a mug of hot chocolate. Breathe in through your nose like you are smelling it, then exhale through your mouth like you are cooling it off. Repeat for a minute or two.

Bumblebee breathing: Sitting comfortably, breathe in through your nose for a count of four. Exhale, making a buzzing or humming sound. Repeat 10 or more times.

Mountain breathing: While inhaling through your nose, raise your arms high above your head and bring your palms together, imagining you are as high as a mountain. Then ground your feet into the floor, imagining roots going deep into the earth. Exhale through your mouth while lowering your palms together in front of your chest. Repeat several times.

Count breathing: Closing your eyes and sitting quietly, count “one” to yourself as you exhale. With the next exhale, count “two” and so on up to “five,” start back at one again, and repeat for at least five minutes.